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Sunday, June 19, 2011

Abuse is not Love, Happy Father's Day

Today is the first Father's Day that I can remember that I did not have mostly bad thoughts..  Oh I always wished my brothers, my daughters father, and friends a happy day. But I have always had that sick  feeling sometime through out the day. Not this year.. 2011, a new day for me! Finally, I feel free. I can speak of him freely, I can look at pictures of him without wanting to run or vomit. Maybe not every time, but most of the time.  Finally, through the grace of Goddess and some very special spiritual guidance from some great friends I am free!
For years I have been told numerous repetitive things by psychologists, groups, and doctors even family. Abuse is not Love. The abuse was not your fault. Something must have happened to him when he was young. I don't believe that ever happened to you. You we're having nightmares. From the time I called out to my mother at age 11 and begged her to not go to work at the midnight shift and finally told her about it.. I have heard almost every excuse for him that there could be. 
Not today!!!  There is no excuse good enough. I did not need to be taught by him at a young age, or ever how to be a woman. I did not ask for it because my dimples were so cute. It was not my fault because I began  developing like a little lady at a young age.  It was not my fault that my mother worked midnight shift so no child care was needed for myself and five brothers. No sir... NOT MY FAULT!!!  I was a child, a small child of eight when you started abusing me sexually. It was not enough that you abused mom and all of us 6 kids for  years.. no, then you had to do that to me. And continue to do it for several years until I got brave enough, or whatever it was to tell. I remember that night so clear. I was lying in bed upstairs. I could hear mom getting ready for work. I laid there crying.. desperate. I thought about opening the window by by bed and jumping out, but I figured it was too low and it would not kill me, just hurt me. I thought about going into mom and dad's room that was right beside mine and get one of dad's shotguns, but I just did not want to leave my brothers behind. So finally, I bent over the side of the bed down near the vent that was under it and called out to her. Mom, I said... I need to talk to you.. She replied, I have to go hon, I am going to be late for work.  I cried some more.. and said, Mom, it is important, and I am scared that if you leave, I will not live through the night. I guess the tone in my voice told her to come to me.. and she did. 
That was the end of the sexual abuse from him, even though he did not leave the home that night, or even at all for the time that I lived at home. Then the abuse turned to spitting on me, not allowing me to have clothes, or much of anything else of my own. I usually wore mom's clothes to school and stuff. But I thought that was better than the abuse that I had to endure before. But it was not good for other little boys and girls, I have discovered. Seems there have been many other, little girls and boys. Cousins, nieces, nephews, friends, neighbors.... and on and on. But for sure it ended and, there have been no more since he passed away 4 years ago.. at least not at his hands.  
At the funeral I talked to an aunt, who was surprised to see me and my brothers there. I asked her about a cousin of that I had not seen in years, only to find out that very day that she did not come for the very same reason. How sad, there are so many of us.. I do hope that each one of the others do find their own peace. 
Then the big moment came at the funeral.  The huge event that finally started the ball rolling for me into a whole new world of discovery.The pastor and every one that spoke of him had such wonderful praises to say about him, The wonderful things that I had heard said so many times about him by many other people through out my life ; Charles was such a wonderful and giving man, such a good Christian and surely has a very special place in heaven....           WHAT??????????????? Oh my, did I say that aloud??? I looked around the funeral home No way, there could just be no way that people still thought that.. Oh my... I was so upset, devastated by that stgatgement. There was no way this could be true. 
My darling mother passed away just nine days before, and the pastor said the same thing... 
There is no way that a loving God could do that, send him to the same place. It just couldn't be. 
I did ask a  pastor about that because it was so upsetting to me, so confusing. He told me that yes, if he asked for forgiveness prior to his passing that he would have, in fact gone to Heaven. And I said to that Christian Pastor at that time, if there are people like him in Heaven I want no part of it. I no longer believe in Heaven or Hell.  
I do believe in a wonderful Divine spirit that helps me get through every day of my life!!!  I walk every day with Goddess around me, over me, within me!! And I am truly blessed!!!!

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