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Monday, June 27, 2011

Today, hmmmm

What was special about today? I got up feeling pretty good, that is special... Went to breakfast with my roomie, that was ok. We did not talk much and he spent most of the time watching and flirting with the cute little waitress, which is nothing new. Went to town today for a doctors appointment, but the special part was where I went before that. I went to the wonderful book store that also has a large selecction of metaphysical goods and wonderful stuff. I got me a few new stones, got an amethyst, bkloodstone, apache tear, shiva lingham, and I can not remember the other two... but I love them all.
I just dont feel as good as I have been today, guess I am letting a little negativity sneak in on me.. I really can not afford to do that.. I also have a headache and my blood pressure was hight at the doc and she was not happy and ordered some tests.. but I still can not afford to let that negativity sneak in.. I must push forward... remove this dead weight from my life. Move on from it and get over the hurt and go on....

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Abuse is not Love, Happy Father's Day

Today is the first Father's Day that I can remember that I did not have mostly bad thoughts..  Oh I always wished my brothers, my daughters father, and friends a happy day. But I have always had that sick  feeling sometime through out the day. Not this year.. 2011, a new day for me! Finally, I feel free. I can speak of him freely, I can look at pictures of him without wanting to run or vomit. Maybe not every time, but most of the time.  Finally, through the grace of Goddess and some very special spiritual guidance from some great friends I am free!
For years I have been told numerous repetitive things by psychologists, groups, and doctors even family. Abuse is not Love. The abuse was not your fault. Something must have happened to him when he was young. I don't believe that ever happened to you. You we're having nightmares. From the time I called out to my mother at age 11 and begged her to not go to work at the midnight shift and finally told her about it.. I have heard almost every excuse for him that there could be. 
Not today!!!  There is no excuse good enough. I did not need to be taught by him at a young age, or ever how to be a woman. I did not ask for it because my dimples were so cute. It was not my fault because I began  developing like a little lady at a young age.  It was not my fault that my mother worked midnight shift so no child care was needed for myself and five brothers. No sir... NOT MY FAULT!!!  I was a child, a small child of eight when you started abusing me sexually. It was not enough that you abused mom and all of us 6 kids for  years.. no, then you had to do that to me. And continue to do it for several years until I got brave enough, or whatever it was to tell. I remember that night so clear. I was lying in bed upstairs. I could hear mom getting ready for work. I laid there crying.. desperate. I thought about opening the window by by bed and jumping out, but I figured it was too low and it would not kill me, just hurt me. I thought about going into mom and dad's room that was right beside mine and get one of dad's shotguns, but I just did not want to leave my brothers behind. So finally, I bent over the side of the bed down near the vent that was under it and called out to her. Mom, I said... I need to talk to you.. She replied, I have to go hon, I am going to be late for work.  I cried some more.. and said, Mom, it is important, and I am scared that if you leave, I will not live through the night. I guess the tone in my voice told her to come to me.. and she did. 
That was the end of the sexual abuse from him, even though he did not leave the home that night, or even at all for the time that I lived at home. Then the abuse turned to spitting on me, not allowing me to have clothes, or much of anything else of my own. I usually wore mom's clothes to school and stuff. But I thought that was better than the abuse that I had to endure before. But it was not good for other little boys and girls, I have discovered. Seems there have been many other, little girls and boys. Cousins, nieces, nephews, friends, neighbors.... and on and on. But for sure it ended and, there have been no more since he passed away 4 years ago.. at least not at his hands.  
At the funeral I talked to an aunt, who was surprised to see me and my brothers there. I asked her about a cousin of that I had not seen in years, only to find out that very day that she did not come for the very same reason. How sad, there are so many of us.. I do hope that each one of the others do find their own peace. 
Then the big moment came at the funeral.  The huge event that finally started the ball rolling for me into a whole new world of discovery.The pastor and every one that spoke of him had such wonderful praises to say about him, The wonderful things that I had heard said so many times about him by many other people through out my life ; Charles was such a wonderful and giving man, such a good Christian and surely has a very special place in heaven....           WHAT??????????????? Oh my, did I say that aloud??? I looked around the funeral home No way, there could just be no way that people still thought that.. Oh my... I was so upset, devastated by that stgatgement. There was no way this could be true. 
My darling mother passed away just nine days before, and the pastor said the same thing... 
There is no way that a loving God could do that, send him to the same place. It just couldn't be. 
I did ask a  pastor about that because it was so upsetting to me, so confusing. He told me that yes, if he asked for forgiveness prior to his passing that he would have, in fact gone to Heaven. And I said to that Christian Pastor at that time, if there are people like him in Heaven I want no part of it. I no longer believe in Heaven or Hell.  
I do believe in a wonderful Divine spirit that helps me get through every day of my life!!!  I walk every day with Goddess around me, over me, within me!! And I am truly blessed!!!!

Friday, May 27, 2011

Monday, May 23, 2011

I'm in need of an overhaul!!!

Yes, that's what I said, I AM in need of an overhaul. I woke up the other day and realized that I am only 53 years young, with the body and spirit of at least a 59 year young person.  While I will be happy to be a 59 year young person, I am not yet.. so I should not look or feel like I am.  
My life has had many ups and downs as most have. I have experienced multiple amounts of stressors, and natural disasters and have learned from each. I just may write a book one day. 
I worked as a nurse for many years, after putting myself through nursing school while being a single mother of two. One of the proudest moments of my life other than child births was when I graduated from nursing school. I will never forget getting a dozen red roses from my brother, delivered to my home.. oh my, that was a first... and the last so far. Then my next most proud moments was when my two daughters graduated from High School.. and neither was hooked on drugs, or had a child yet. Wow, I did it. Awesome. 
OK so then, after the youngest moved out... horror!!! I come home to a completely empty home. I didn't see the girls that often, they were busy with their lives. Talk about a horrible case of depression... I hit it.. worse that I had ever. And I had problems with depression since I was eight years old. 
So anyway, that has been over ten years now, and I have been gliding through life, not my life, just life. The wrong man, the wrong house, town, job, probably just about everything. Two years ago my body began to fail me so much to the point that I was no longer to work..So now, I have to give up my career, the only identity that I felt I had left. 
Until recently!!!!!  I am a living, breathing, loving spiritual woman. My family thinks I have lost my mind. And I don't care. I am taking online classes on Wicca, herbalism, all kinds of stuff. I am daring to read, experience, and seek out information on what I am truely interested in and passionate about. The things that I had to push back out of my mind for years, to please other people. Now I am researching and learning about those things that interest me.   
So there is WAY so much more to come..... Oh, as far as the overhaul.. I am considering checking into the cost and information about some place I can go and do just that. A spiritual retreat, an outdoors experience. Where I can be with nature.. ahhhh, the beauty of nature.   I have very little income, and would have to save for it I am sure.. but I bet I can.  :)

Infinite Love - Love is a symbol of eternity ~ RiseEarth

Infinite Love - Love is a symbol of eternity ~ RiseEarth